i did laundry today.

all the adults in my life right now (my tutors and Elizabeth) are smart, young, married women, and i just look at them and i can't wait. it feels like what we're doing at this age is totally unreal, insignificant, and that we're just going to look back and think, 'oh, i was only twenty.' these better not be the best years of our lives: i'm looking forward to fantastic stretches in my 30s and 40s. (well, and obviously i'm going to be a brilliant elderly woman, God willing.)
but really, life right now is so confused and floundering, and all the important things are still unknown. i can't wait for that time when you know where you are, who you are, who's with you, and what you're doing. you have your own home, not some strange patchwork of dorm rooms, sublets, and your parents' house, and you have a puppy (chocolate lab or shoodle), and you have a stable group of friends all in the same city (is that ever going to happen?...probably not...). and even if you're not sure where the next ten years are going, you know something, more than you knew at twenty anyway.
and yes, of course, i feel especially confused and floundering these days simply because i'm abroad, but even at amherst, and even at home, i felt the same impatience to get on with life. (i mean, my goodness, having your own place and puppy is, what, like, four steps away from babies? yeah, that's right. abby and jenny, i know you're feeling me on this one.)

but anyway. maybe i'm just talking like a cheap columnist because i've been watching too much 'sex and the city' recently. that show is really a phenomenon, isn't it; and the whole time i'm watching it, i'll be thinking, "oh, well isn't that an interesting attitude about class/gayness/gender relations/fill-in-the-blank-issue"---but how can you not? they're always eating in incredible restaurants and walking in incredible shoes...really the show is all about money, and it's fascinating. and they're always saying really strange things about lesbians. yes, the whole thing is definitely fascinating enough that the cheesy voiceovers can be overlooked or, rather, indulged. and i'm getting beyond my distaste for sarah jessica parker. i borrow the DVDs from this girl Naima, who's very nice, but when we watched a little bit together i got the sense she wouldn't necessarily want to analyze at length with me the curious implications of this or that in each episode. oh well. that's why i'm going to edinburgh this weekend.

i'd really like to get into fatpants right now, write some much-overdue emails, read a little Donne, maybe call Jordan or Lindsay and see if either one is doing something mellow tonight, and then finally get into bed and watch one more episode before falling asleep.
but that's not what i'm going to do at all. i vowed i would go out tonight. and i must. call me later and make sure i'm out. yell at me if you have to. i haven't been to the college bar (or anywhere else, for that matter) in two weeks, and i'm afraid that if i don't go out, i'm never going to meet anyone else or get to know anyone i've already met. but i'm such a homebody! where do i find the other homebodies? they're not out; they're in their rooms, with the doors closed. i'll never find them.
so right, i'm going out. Amy is going to call me and i am going to walk to her staircase armed with two-pound wine cocktail. tonight is "back to school night" in the bar, and everyone dresses in theme. school uniform means slutty, right? i was thinking about wearing grey wool pants and a button-up shirt (buttoned up, mind you). honestly, who brings short skirts to study abroad in the WINTER? yeah not me. maybe i'll put my hair in pigtails as a compromise.
and after all, it's early enough. i can always come home afterwards, and write those emails, and eat a little more dark chocolate.